I don’t want to write. I have nothing to say. My sentences are short and choppy. The words are stuck together forcefully. Each small click of the keys echoes in the emptiness. Swift fingers choose each letter with precision and muddy up the blank screen. Words fill the empty space—hollow words, shallow words, soul-less words. Do you hear the echoing whispers of the keys chanting:
I don’t want to write. I don’t WANT to write! I. Don’t. Want. To. Write!
But here I am writing.
I wish I could let you inside my thought processes as I sit down to write for this blog. Maybe, you would understand if you could see the ideologies warring against each other. Or even better, read the half written pages and pages of stories, posts, essays that I have yet to put into words. The things I don’t know how to write, how to choose the right words, and I guess I keep hoping if I wait long enough the perfect set of words will magically appear.
Magic is not in the writing process. Writing should peel away the layers of the writer’s psyche and reveal an authentic soul. She shouldn’t be hiding behind flowery rhetorical devices or keeping silent as not to offend anyone. There are days when I would rather not write anything than be authentic or transparent or honest. Because I really like the online mask that I can easily hide behind; I like painting on a smiling happy-face blog post even though its a lie; but most of all, I like easy writing. I had a professor in college warn us about writing that comes easily that writing is a heart-breaking, painful process in which our deepest parts are exposed. Certainly not easy.
Writing requires the willful removal of excessive words, distractions—editing down to the most important of words. Perhaps, I see more of a correlation between writing or more like editing and life. I do not want to say anything I have is unnecessary or could be deleted. For the past couple of days, I have been thinking about what needs to be edited from my life, what things are weighing my spirit down. Maybe, I want to write, but editing is the real issue. I need to focus on editing out the non-essentials—both in my writing and in life.